Deal of the Hand
by misscam
Summary: Gallifrey for the Daleks, his people for the Universe, the gamble of all time won and lost, but he wasn't meant to see what came after. [NineRose]


Deal of the Hand  
by Camilla Sandman

Disclaimer: BBC owns the characters. The words are mine, and they're just for fun.

Author's Note: Spoilers for the first series. References to the Time War, "Aliens of London", "Father's Day", events between "The Doctor Dances" and "Boom Town", events between "Boom Town" and "Bad Wolf", and "The Parting of the Ways".

II

In the moment he lives, Gallifrey dies and he screams, screams until there is no breath in his body and all pain in his mind. It's all gone wrong. Gallifrey for the Daleks, his people for the Universe, the gamble of all time won and lost, but he wasn't meant to see what came after. He should die. He shouldn't have to deal with this. He shouldn't.

He lives, and it's an end.

II

"Would you like to...?"

He decides not to the first time she offers.

It isn't for the lack of want to. He can't quite remember not looking at her and wanting her in some way, and he tries to reason it's because he's lonely, he's plainly fucked up, he hasn't had some in a while, he's hit regeneration mid-life crisis a little late, he's been around humans too long and picked up their hormones too or maybe the TARDIS has some shag-desire-circuit stuck. Romana might've installed one long ago just because, and he spends a few days just after Rose comes aboard trying to track it down.

Even the first day, meeting her gaze, her eyes holds an invite. Humans shag as a form of greeting sometimes, and it's silly to read too much into it. They're young. They live fast and shag fast and chase the seconds with a watch. He chases the eternity in between seconds with the TARDIS, and now with Rose, and to him it's a dance more intimate than any human sexual act could ever be.

And still Rose looks at him, and he wants to rest his head against her neck, kiss the pulse that marks her living and give her what she wants because she wants it. Nevermind her innocence, nevermind his balance-act between the edges of two abysses, one despair at the loss of Gallifrey, the other guilt at the same. Nevermind that she just left Ricky the Idiot behind and is probably feeling lonely. Nevermind the whole Universe between his mind and hers.

He could nevermind it all, and that scares him where he thought all fear had died.

"Better not," he says, in the moment of her hesitance, before she can work what's been so loudly broadcasted unspoken.

"Right then," she replies, and the door to her bedroom closes. He fights the desire to kick it in. She is young. She is human. She is still attached to Mickey. She is dying, with every breath of her body bringing her closer to the end of her short lifespan. And he's old and fucked up and really, it's just better not.

Sometimes, he really is a noble idiot, he figures.

II

He does sleep with her at the single most inopportune moment he could've picked.

He can't even remember if she kissed him or he kissed her first, all he can remember is her lips burning him and her nose bumping against his trying to angle it right. He is very aware that she just watched her father die and she's probably grieving and this is taking advantage and surely Very Bad, but her sigh is like an absolution for his survival and he wants it, wants her.

"Rose," he whispers, and he's not sure if it's asking her to stop or asking her never to, but she kisses him anyway, and her hands help him tear cloth away and find skin. Always skin with humans, and because she wants to touch his, he traces reverently every inch of hers. Exploration to greed to possession, and he does take her.

She is awkward and young, but he doesn't care. He's already removing her youth with his lifestyle faster than the years can, and she learns fast. She tilts her head to kiss him and falls into his rhythm, and it doesn't seem to matter that it's more need than romance and she probably won't even mention it in the morning.

He can love her anyway.

"Doctor," she sighs and he remembers he was only noble when it suited him.

II

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

He always manages to find trouble.

She is wrong with him, he doesn't say. She is wrong with him, time is wrong with him, life is wrong with him. Dying was right, yet somehow he lived and he wants to keep on living and somehow, that feels a betrayal.

"Nothing."

She narrows her eyes, pushes her chest forward somewhat indignantly and he remembers the weight of her breasts against his palm and it almost angers him. She is sometimes so human with her human desires and she's driving him to have them too.

"That was nothing, snapping at Jack like that?"

"He's a big boy..."

"Believe me, I know," she says dryly, almost under her breath.

"... he can take care of himself."

She glares at him and he glares back. Don't die, he wants to say. Don't just wander off with Jack like that, because Jack's almost as much walking trouble as him. Don't grow older. Don't stand like that, because it makes him feel alive and death is the only companion he should be intimate with. Don't smile like that. Don't be Rose, because he loves Rose and he doesn't want to hurt her.

"Doctor," she says softly, her eyes softening too. "I know..."

"It's nothing," he cuts in, and the hurt flashes across her face. So human to feel hurt like that. So not Gallifreyan to feel hurt at her hurt. So proper Time Lord to just walk away, so he does.

He can feel her eyes on his back as he walks, and that's a sort of death too.

Sometimes, he's a right bastard, he knows.

II

He watches her under the Japanese sun, the sun bright on her hair. She looks almost happy, and he feels almost happy too. Jack makes her laugh, and Jack won't let him do something stupid just because Rose asks. He hopes.

She must feel his gaze on her, because she turns and looks at him. Still the invitation in her eyes, still his desire to answer it.

She stands perfectly still, the light at her back and her shadow reaching for him. No hand held out, but he knows if he walks over, she will offer it and forgiveness too, unspoken. Between them, there could be nothing else. No words would be enough, so they never offer them.

He starts to walk, and as she smiles against him, he breaks into a run.

Later, they all run for their lives, laughing as they go, and he remembers he sometimes found peace too.

II

When he kisses her time vortex from her lips, it is death and somehow life too, the invitation she's held in her eyes and her hand and her mere presence since he first met her.

Live. There is life in survival, if he dares it. Live, like she's invited him to. They're dead, but death won't bring them back either, and Rose lives and the Universe lives and he can make sure both stay true for as long as he has breath. Live.

Time for a new game, he thinks, and waits for the hand to be dealt.

He's dying, and it's a beginning.

FIN


End file.
